Three day´s ago there was a Kind of deep felt sadness the whole day within me. While I was sitting together with Aharon in the evening, I said to him:
“It feels like being confronted with death intentionally. This life will come to an end in April and then the ´unknown land´ begins."
Like before death, you ask yourself what happens with me when I`m dead.
It`s like going directly to steep cliffs and you can`t see any bridge to cross over the abyss, you only see a dark hole.
I had a dream about that this night. There were two very fast trains side by side. “I” noticed, that I am also the train and all what appears. “ I” choose the train on the left side and the trains start very fast at the same time. Then my train gets faster than the other one. It`s a steep way through the mountains and then in a bend suddenly the underground breaks through and there is only sand. The train loses it`s hold, falls down and dissolves totally into an ocean of sand.
Two huge rocks appeared as a kind of sheet-anchor to save my life and there was an impulse to grab them, because a voice within me said: “Oh you would have had the double of lifetime”, but at the same time another thought rose up in the consciousness, which said, that also the rocks are made of sand. Then my consciousness noticed that the “I”, of my body died
in the mass of Sands. “My” consciousness only noticed that without any emotion and then I realized, that nothing happened really, the story was only an image within the consciousness, the play out of “I`m dying”.
So I thought: “Oh it´s like that, nothing ever happens and I laughed and then I woke up.
Now, three days after this dream I still feel this deep stillness. For now the death has lost its dread a little bit. I notice, that only the ideas about it bring back the anxiety and the turbulence in my mind.
In the outer reality on one side time seems to run away and on the other side everything moves so slowly.
Besides the books, I started to sell things of our household in the Internet. That costs a lot of patience, because also for smaller things buyer negotiate for a few Euros writing five or more times before they make a decision.
I am a bad dealer. Most of te times I say: “ Pay what you want.” In fact we could need every Euro, but at the same time I can`t feel that it makes us poorer or richer, when we also act like dealer in this situation.
This can`t be the way into the new world. It feels so limited, narrow minded and stingy.
So, again and again, I am calming down my impatient mind, which always urges me to find Solutions, but by going back into my heart, I can feel this deep connection with Aharon and within that I return back to inner truth and trust in life.